I am the Real Moses!

I am Moses, Hebrew prophet, lawgiver, and the founder of Israel. About 3,300 years ago I was sent to Egypt by god to free the Hebrews from slavery,unfortunately,the pharaoh didn't want to release them. I tried to reason with him, but he was totally unreachable.So I raised my shepherds cane and brought ten deadly plagues upon Egypt.I said to him, oh pharaoh, let my people go! But he laughed maniacally and dismissed me as a bad magician in a ridiculous robe. Pharaoh would soon learn that the power in my ordinary shepherds cane was far greater than the armies that he commanded.For within that shepherds cane was the very will,and the wrath of almighty god.I stretched out the cane to touch the waters of Egypt and it turned into a sea of blood.Oh pharaoh, let my people go, or Egypt will drink bitter water!For good measure, I then unleashed swarms of locusts, frogs, and killed all the livestock, but even after all that, pharaoh remained stoic and unmoved. So I then killed all the first born sons of Egypt, including pharaohs prestigious spoiled brat Lourens. The Pharaoh shook his fist at the sky and yelled, what kind of god would kill a first born Pharaohs son! Amazingly, Pharaoh was still intransigent and uncooperative, so I threatened an unimaginable 11th plague. Oh Pharaoh, let my people go: if you do not release them, Egyptians shall begin gradually burning in hell. On the first day of the plague, 10 prominent Egyptians shall burn, then 20, and a week later Egyptians of all walks of life will begin burning exponentially. Pharaoh became uneasy and threatened me with the law firms of Weinstein and Weinstein seeking compensation for those who were burned through no fault of their own. At first, Pharaoh defied the 11th plague, but the Senate started demonizing him as an extremist insurrectionist who was dividing the nation. He dismissed such criticism, but the scathing op-eds from the Egyptian Times wouldn't let up. With Pharaohs approval rating plunging to record lows on Real Egyptian Politics, he began to fear impeachment proceedings. So the Pharaoh finally capitulated.Release the Israelis! So let it be written, so let it be done! And so it was written, I took the Israelis on a long Exodus out of Egypt, to the mountain where god dwelt.I climbed Mt Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights and found a burning bush that was not consumed.A voice reverberated and shook the ground. Moses, is that you my child? Yes, but why have you chosen me to deliver these peoples? The mountain shook with every word,take these ten commandments to your people! I began to descend the mountain to deliver the laws to my flock and when I arrived I was shocked to find the Israelis worshiping a golden calf and Kid Rock. I bellowed out, oh children of Israel, you have sinned a great sin in the eyes of god! A non believer laughed out and said, god shmod, who needs a ridiculous guy with a long white beard and tablets when we have a golden calf and Kid Rock? Oh ye of little faith, I have parted the Red Sea,and delivered you from bondage, what more can I do? If you shall not live by these laws, then I will go ask god if he could amendmend them! The Israelis were receptive and wrote down their suggestions, but god was livid. As a monotheist the Israelites could either live by his laws or die by them.He was furious at the idea of sharing deity status with Kid Rock, so that was when the flock became known as god fearers. So let it be written, so let it be done.